There are days when my faith feels strong, and there are days like today. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. Today I wondered if anything is ever going to change, if anything is going to get better. Today I prayed and read and tried to believe, but if I’m honest, I look at my circumstances and think:
Nothing is different.
My marriage is dead.
Trust is broken.
The distance still feels impossible.
And somewhere in the quiet places of my heart, a thought begins to creep in, what if this never changes?
I don’t believe my wife will ever understand.
I don’t believe she will ever see the truth.
I don’t believe anything I say will ever be believed.
I’m tired.
I don’t want to keep doing this anymore.
Yet even writing those words, I know something else is true, feelings are real, but they are not always reliable. Scripture never tells us to pretend pain doesn’t exist, but it does remind us that what we see is not the whole story.
Waiting Is One of the Hardest Forms of Obedience
One of the difficult things about faith is that God often works in places we cannot see.
Abraham, Joseph, David, Isreal, and even Jesus waited, and waiting rarely feels spiritual while we are in it. It feels powerless, forgotten, like silence. But silence is not absence. God may not be moving on my timeline, but He is never inactive.
Isaiah 55:8–9 reminds me:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.”
That does not remove my pain, but it reminds me that God may be doing work I cannot yet measure. He may be protecting me from something.
Love Is Not Proven by Outcomes
One of the things I wrestle with most is believing that if I say the right thing, pray enough, read enough, explain myself enough, then maybe my marriage will survive, but scripture keeps bringing me back to a difficult truth, obedience belongs to me, results belong to God.
I cannot change another heart, only God can.
Ezekiel 36:26 says:
“I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.”
That verse is not about me having the power to change someone else. It is about God doing what only God can do. My job is not to force restoration. My job is to remain faithful.
Choosing Obedience When I Didn’t Want To
Part of this journey has included going through the 40-Day Stand For Marriage Restoration curriculum, and if I am honest, when it first came across my path, I did not want to do it. I looked at my circumstances and thought, what’s the point? My marriage is too far gone. Too much has happened. Too much damage has been done. Why continue standing for something that looks impossible? But as I spent time in Scripture and prayer, I felt God challenging me with a different question: Am I only willing to obey when I understand the outcome?
The truth is, God never promised me that obedience would be easy. He never promised that following Him would always make sense from a human perspective. He simply called me to trust Him.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”
So I started. Not perfectly, not because I suddenly felt strong, nor because all my doubts disappeared. I started because I believed God was asking me to take the next step. Originally, I planned to pair the 40 days with fasting. I wanted to give up drinking anything besides water, which honestly is a difficult sacrifice for me, but like many things in life, my good intentions met my human weakness. I had done very well with eliminating sugary drinks from my daily life, this past year, but with this I struggled. I didn’t follow through. I had discovered my new favorite drink, sugar free Snapple Peach Tea from Speedway and at 59 cents a fill-up, it quickly became part of my routine. The fasting part faded, but God kept pulling me back.
I kept reading, praying, showing up imperfectly, then something small happened. I went to get the tea I had grown accustomed to buying, and it was gone. I found out they were no longer carrying it because people in that area simply were not buying it. Maybe that was just a business decision. Maybe it was just a discontinued drink. But it reminds me also that God can use ordinary moments to remind me of spiritual things, and for me, that little moment caused me to remember the commitment I originally made. Not because God cares about Snapple, he cares about my heart.
The Purpose of Fasting
Fasting is not about proving something to God. It is not a spiritual transaction where I give something up and He gives me what I want. Fasting is surrender. It is intentionally removing something from my life and saying, “God, I want You more.”
Jesus warned us not to fast for attention or approval from others. Matthew 6:17-18 says:
“But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret.”
I understand that. This isn’t about announcing a fast to look spiritual. Actually, it is the opposite. It is admitting that fasting is hard for me. I have rarely been successful at it. My flesh likes comfort, convenience and my 59-cent peach tea. Maybe that is exactly why I need to do it, because sometimes obedience is not about giving up something sinful. Sometimes obedience is about giving up something harmless to remind my heart who comes first.
So I am going to finish these 40 days.
I am going to keep reading.
I am going to drink water.
I am going to pray.
And I am going to trust God with the outcome.
Not because a book can save my marriage, nor fasting can force God’s hand. Not because completing 40 days guarantees the result I want, but because obedience changes me, it shows my love for Christ.
We Shall Reap If We Do Not Give Up
One verse keeps returning to me:
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not give up.”
I have read that verse before and imagined harvest as getting exactly what I prayed for. Maybe restoration, reconciliation, vidication, or healing, but scripture does not define the harvest for me. The promise is that faithfulness is never wasted.
God sees every prayer.
Every tear.
Every day I chose integrity.
Every day I told the truth.
Every day I obeyed when I wanted to quit.
Every day I stayed the course when everything inside me wanted relief.
God never wastes obedience.
Obedience Is How I Show Love to Christ
Jesus said in John 14:15:
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
Obedience is not earning God’s favor, it’s my response to His love. There are days obedience feels joyful but it does not feel like one of those days. Today obedience feels quieter an looks like opening my Bible when I don’t want to. Praying when I feel unheard. Reading one more page. Trusting one more day. Choosing truth one more time.
Not because I am convinced everything will work out exactly how I hope, but because Christ is still worthy. Even if I’m tired and cannot see the ending. So today I am not making a dramatic declaration. I am making a smaller one. I will stay the course, not because I feel strong, but because Christ has remained faithful to me.
If I fall, I will get back up, If I doubt, I will bring it to Him, and tomorrow, by His grace, I will obey again.
