Today, I Wanted to Sin.

This will probably be the post that gets me into trouble. My wife’s attorney will probably be eyeing this one, looking for something he can use to damage my credibility. There will be people who read this and think, “Yeah…that Brian Davis. He’s a bad dude. He didn’t go to jail for nothing.” I wouldn’t be surprised if this eventually becomes the most-read article on this website, surpassing Good News at Rock Bottom, because the next best thing to watching someone pour out the shredded pieces of his heart is gossip and scandal. Everyone wants to know what I’ll write next.

Today, I’m angry. I forgot to take my blood pressure medication this morning, and I think that’s only heightened my anger. Today, I want to sin, and I mean really sin. I’m so fed up with my situation, that I’m ready quit and go off the deep end and do some really drastic sinful things. I’ve had it with my wife, some in my family, and a few other annoying souls, and the whole God thing is just a waste of time.

First, I want to buy a case of Pepsi, because alcohol has never really been my weakness, and drink the entire thing. Then I want to smash every empty can and throw them all over the floor. I don’t know what it is about throwing things on the floor, but it just feels rebellious. Next, I want to order the trash can lid from Famous Dave’s, eat the whole thing myself, and throw the garbage on the floor too. I don’t think I’d waste my time or money with pornography. Honestly, I’d rather spend the weekend binge-watching R-rated movies. I want to take what’s left of my retirement account and buy a brand-new black Chevy Colorado. (Sorry, Dad.) I’ll probably end up living in it someday anyway. While I’m at it, I might as well buy that Omega Speedmaster Professional I’ve always wanted. I want to have sex with that cute blond chick that works at Dollar General. I want to call my coworker with the perpetual bad attitude an “ass-hat” right to his face. I want to ignore the responsibilities that come with probation and go buy that shotgun from the guy at church so I can spend the afternoon blasting watermelons. I want to get a tattoo. Maybe 2 Timothy 1:7 on my arms, or maybe just a heart with a spike driven through it. I want a divorce. I want to move to West Virginia, buy a trailer in the woods, disappear from everyone, and spend the rest of my life hiking, camping, skiing, fishing, mountain biking, golfing, shooting guns, throwing axes and working at Walmart. I want to listen to Metallica’s “Ain’t My Bitch” on repeat. I want to ask that Facebook crush out to dinner. I want to spill out all the gory details of all the bad things that my wife has done to me in our marriage. I want to expose every bitter and resentful person I know who refuses to let go of the past. I want to expose all those caught up in the rings of gossip. I want to steal my cats back from my house, because my wife took them away before I was able to get my things from my house under police escort, after she had me removed from my home and family. (I guess she thought I would do something that pathetic). Also, my power drill (because I need it). Or maybe I’ll just buy a dog instead. I want to publicly blast the broken court system individuals I encountered. I want to reveal all the scandalous details of my situation, the lies, the gossip, the betrayal, the misunderstandings, everything that so many people seem desperate to hear.

That’s what the world wants me to do.

That’s what my flesh wants me to do.

That’s what many Christians probably expect me to do.

That’s what some people can’t wait for me to do.

That’s what will make some sad if I do.

And that’s exactly what would make Satan smile.

Now, before anyone panics…I haven’t done any of those things, nor do I plan to. But I also can’t honestly tell you that some of those thoughts haven’t crossed my mind. I can’t tell you there haven’t been days when those temptations circled like vultures overhead. I can’t tell you Satan hasn’t dangled opportunities in front of me, hoping I’d finally give up and satisfy my flesh.

Today, this isn’t Faith For Real Life. Today, this is Truth For Real Life. Michael and I have always tried to tell the truth as we understand it. So here’s the truth. My flesh desperately wants to sin. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m weary of trying to do the right thing. I’m tired of choosing forgiveness when bitterness seems easier. I’m tired of choosing faithfulness when quitting feels so much more appealing. I’m tired of trusting God when I can’t see what He’s doing. Sometimes…I just want to quit. I want to move on. I want to stop fighting, but I was raised better than that.

God blessed me with two faithful Christian parents who have spent most of their lives following Jesus. They didn’t just teach me Scripture; they lived it. They modeled what a Christian husband and wife should look like, what faithful parents look like, what loving grandparents look like, and what perseverance through hardship looks like. They aren’t perfect. Neither am I. But they have been forgiven, and they have spent a lifetime extending grace, love, wisdom, patience, and understanding to everyone around them, including me. I respect and love them more than I can put into words, and I honestly cannot imagine my life without them. They raised me to be integriful, honest, righteous and Christ-like.

Under the guidance of my parents and pastor, I placed my faith in Christ when I was just a young boy after watching a Christian horror movie that terrified me. (That probably wasn’t the wisest move on my parents behalf, but I had been bugging my mom to watch it, and it worked. I don’t recommend scaring your children into salvation:) For weeks afterward, I’d lie in bed with one hand on my heart and the other on my neck, just to make sure my heart was still beating and my head was still attached. I’ll save that whole salvation story for another article, but from the moment I trusted Christ, something changed. God placed His Holy Spirit within me.

Over the years, the Holy Spirit has faithfully convicted me when I was wrong, guided me when I was confused, comforted me when I was hurting, corrected me when I wandered, and continually drawn me back toward God’s will, even when every sinful desire in me wanted to run the other direction.

There have been times in my life when my flesh won and I made some poor decisions. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I can’t. Thankfully, those moments have been few compared to the countless times God has shown me grace, forgiven me, and reminded me that I belong to Him, and that’s where this story really begins.

The Battle Within

The older I get, the more I realize that the greatest battle in the Christian life isn’t fought out there somewhere. It isn’t fought in a courtroom. It isn’t fought on social media. It isn’t fought with people who gossip, lie, manipulate, or misunderstand us. The greatest battle is fought inside our own hearts.

The apostle Paul knew exactly what that battle felt like. He didn’t pretend that becoming a Christian eliminated temptation. In fact, he openly admitted the struggle:

“For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” — Romans 7:19

Some mornings I wake up determined to honor God. Then something happens. A notice arrives in the mail. Another legal document shows up. I hear another rumor. I remember another painful memory. Someone says something they shouldn’t. My mind starts replaying conversations that never happened but that I wish had. Before long, I’m rehearsing arguments, imagining revenge, planning my escape, or daydreaming about abandoning everything and starting over somewhere deep in the mountains.

That’s the battle. Not every temptation is acted upon. In fact, most aren’t. But they’re real nonetheless. One of the biggest misconceptions about Christians is that we no longer struggle with sin. The truth is that we often become more aware of our sin because the Holy Spirit refuses to let us become comfortable with it. Paul wrote these words in Romans 12:2:

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

The world has plenty of advice for someone in my situation.

“Get even.”

“Tell your side.”

“Expose everyone.”

“Take care of yourself.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

“Move on.”

“Stop caring what God thinks.”

My flesh loves that advice. It sounds satisfying. It sounds empowering. Sometimes it even sounds reasonable, but God’s Word points me in a completely different direction.

Jesus tells me to forgive those who have wronged me (Matthew 6:14-15).

He tells me to bless those who persecute me (Matthew 5:44).

He tells me not to repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17).

He tells me to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

He tells me to deny myself, take up my cross daily, and follow Him (Luke 9:23).

None of those commands are easy. Every one of them cuts directly across what my flesh naturally wants. That’s why the Christian life isn’t about behavior modification. It’s about heart transformation. Left to myself, I know exactly where I’d end up. I’d become a bitter old man. I’d spend my days replaying every injustice. I’d keep a running score of every wrong that had ever been committed against me. I’d justify my anger because, after all, I’ve been hurt.

But bitterness has never healed anyone. Resentment has never restored a marriage. Revenge has never brought peace. Only Christ can do that. One verse that has carried me through this season is Philippians 1:21:

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Think about what Paul is saying.

If I live…Christ.

If I suffer…Christ.

If I’m misunderstood…Christ.

If I lose everything…Christ.

If I die…Even better, because I’ll finally be with Him.

That’s not the perspective of someone who’s trying to win at life. That’s the perspective of someone who has already found what matters most. I’m not there yet. Some days I still complain, get angry, and question God. Some days I still wonder how much longer I can keep doing the right thing when it feels like nothing ever changes. But every single time I start drifting toward the edge, the Holy Spirit gently, and sometimes not so gently, pulls me back.

He reminds me that my identity isn’t found in my reputation. It isn’t found in a courtroom. It isn’t found in whether people believe me. It isn’t found in whether my marriage is restored. It isn’t found in my profession. It isn’t found in whether I ever get to tell my side of the story. My identity is found in Jesus Christ. That’s what keeps me going. Not willpower, stubbornness. or because I’m somehow stronger than everyone else. It’s because God refuses to give up on me.

The same Holy Spirit who convicted me as a frightened little boy is still faithfully at work today. He convicts me when I wander. He comforts me when I hurt. He reminds me of Scripture when my mind starts believing lies. He gently whispers that there is a better way than revenge, a better way than bitterness, and a better way than satisfying my flesh. I’m thankful for that, because if God had simply left me alone to follow every sinful impulse that crossed my mind, I would have made a complete wreck of my life. Instead, He continues to renew my mind one day at a time.

Some days that transformation feels dramatic, other days it feels painfully slow. But it is happening, and as long as God continues His work in me, I want to keep fighting, not because I’m trying to earn His love, but because I already have it.

I know there will be more difficult days ahead. There will probably be more moments when I want to quit, more temptations to give in, and more opportunities to choose my flesh over my faith. By God’s grace, I pray that I continue making the same choice. Not perfectly. But faithfully. Because at the end of the day, my goal isn’t simply to avoid scandal. My goal is to become more like Christ.

The Ground Is Level at the Foot of the Cross (again)

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably thinking one of two things. Either, “I can’t believe he admitted all of that,” or, “I’m glad someone finally said it.” The truth is, the Christian life isn’t about pretending temptation doesn’t exist. It’s about what we do when temptation comes.

James writes, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death” (James 1:14–15). Notice that James doesn’t say temptation itself is the sin. Temptation is part of living in a fallen world with a fallen nature. Even Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1–11), yet He remained without sin (Hebrews 4:15). The question isn’t whether you’ll be tempted, you will. The real question is whether you’ll believe the lie that sin can satisfy you more than Christ.

Over this past year I’ve learned that every temptation promises relief, but very few actually deliver it. Bitterness promises justice but produces misery. Revenge promises satisfaction but leaves more wounds. Lust promises fulfillment but ends in emptiness. Pride promises significance but isolates us. Material possessions promise security, yet they rust, break, or lose their appeal. People promise acceptance, but sooner or later they disappoint us. Only Jesus has never failed me.

I’ve failed other people, and other people have failed me. I’ve been misunderstood, and I’ve misunderstood others. I’ve been sinned against, and I’ve sinned against others. That’s simply the human condition. Romans 3:23 reminds us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Every single one of us stands guilty before a holy God. That’s why I love the phrase “the ground is level at the foot of the cross.“ Nobody approaches Jesus with a better résumé than anyone else. The pastor and the prisoner, the millionaire and the homeless man, the church member and the skeptic, the successful businessman and the struggling addict all come the same way—broken, needy, and completely unable to save themselves.

That is precisely why Jesus came. He didn’t come for people who thought they were good enough. He came for sinners. Including me.

When I look back over my own life, I don’t see someone who deserved God’s grace. I see someone who desperately needed it. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt people. I’ve spoken when I should have remained silent. I’ve been angry when I should have been patient. I’ve wanted revenge when I should have prayed. I’ve been selfish when I should have served. I’ve worried instead of trusting God, and I’ve doubted when I should have believed. Yet through every one of those failures, God has remained faithful.

The cross reminds me that my standing before God has never been based on my performance. It’s based entirely on Christ’s. Jesus lived the perfect life that I never could. He obeyed the Father without sin, then willingly went to the cross and accepted the punishment that belonged to me. As Isaiah prophesied centuries before His birth, “He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). Three days later, He rose from the grave, defeating sin and death forever. Because He lives, there is hope.

There is hope for broken marriages. Hope for prodigals. Hope for addicts. Hope for people drowning in shame. Hope for angry people. Hope for bitter people. Hope for those who think they’ve gone too far. Hope for people like me.

Maybe you read the first half of this article and quietly recognized yourself. Your list of temptations may not look anything like mine. Maybe you’ve never wanted to move to West Virginia, buy a pickup truck, or disappear into the mountains. Maybe you’ve never dreamed of blasting watermelons or buying an expensive watch. But perhaps you’ve wanted to walk away from your marriage. Maybe you’ve fantasized about getting even with someone who hurt you. Maybe you’ve carried bitterness for years, hidden an addiction, or carefully built a public image that looks nothing like the battle taking place inside your heart.

If that’s you, I want you to know something. You are not alone, and you are not beyond God’s grace.

The enemy wants you to believe you’re too dirty for God, too broken to be forgiven, too hypocritical to change, too ashamed to come back, or too far gone to be redeemed. The Gospel says exactly the opposite. Jesus specializes in saving people who cannot save themselves. The apostle Paul described himself as the foremost of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15), yet God transformed him into one of the greatest missionaries the world has ever known. That same grace is still available today.

I don’t care who you are. Whether you’re the liar, a self proclaimed lie detector, the gossip or the victim of gossip, the adulterer, the addict, the alcoholic, the thief, self-righteous, the angry father, the helicopter mom, the arrogant, the holier-than-thou, a true abuser, the angry person, the murderer, the rapist, the prideful, the bitter, the resentful, the keeper of wrongs, the thief, the complacent, the lustful, the broken, the battered, the glutton, the controller, the critical spirit, the bitter ex-spouse, the resentful child, the workaholic, the manipulator, the person consumed by anxiety, or the one drowning in shame, or any other sinful label you can jam in there, the invitation of the Gospel is the same. Christians and non-Christians alike need His grace, every single day.

Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He didn’t say, “Come after you’ve cleaned yourself up.” He didn’t say, “Come once you’ve stopped sinning.” He didn’t say, “Come after you’ve earned My forgiveness.” He simply said, “Come.”

Repent of your sin. Turn to Jesus Christ. Believe that His death on the cross paid the penalty for your sins and that His resurrection secured eternal life for everyone who places their faith in Him. The Bible promises, “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). That promise isn’t reserved for people who have it all together. It’s for people who know they don’t.

That’s me. Maybe that’s you, too. If you’ve never placed your faith in Jesus Christ, don’t wait another day. Life is short, but eternity is forever. There is no sin so great that the blood of Christ cannot forgive it, no past so broken that His grace cannot redeem it, and no heart so hard that the Holy Spirit cannot transform it.

If you’re struggling with temptation, bitterness, anger, fear, anxiety, addiction, suffering, or simply trying to understand what it means to follow Jesus, we’d be honored to walk alongside you. Reach out to us through our contact form at Faith For Real Life. We don’t pretend to have all the answers. We’re simply fellow sinners who have discovered an incredible Savior.

That’s why this ministry exists. Not because we’ve figured life out, but because Jesus has. So even on the days when I want to sin, even on the days when I want to quit, and even on the days when my flesh seems louder than my faith, I keep returning to the same place.

The foot of the cross, because the ground is still level there, and there is still room for one more sinner, including you.