What happens when family relationships become disposable, forgiveness becomes optional, and the people offering counsel encourage separation instead of reconciliation?
An interesting article popped up in my news feed this week that immediately caught my attention. Fox News published a story titled “Adult children cutting off parents as some blame therapy for family estrangements.” It explores the growing phenomenon of adult children distancing themselves from their parents, sometimes permanently, and raises questions about the role that therapy and counseling may play in those decisions.
Before going any further, let me offer a quick disclaimer. While I’m a registered Republican, that doesn’t mean I agree with everything Fox News reports or the opinions it promotes. Frankly, there are times when I’m embarrassed by my own political party to the point that I’ve questioned whether I even want to call myself a Republican anymore. But this isn’t a political blog, and I’m not interested in turning it into one. Faith for Real Life is about biblical truth, not political allegiance. I’ll save my thoughts on politics for another website. For now, regardless of where the story originated, I believe the subject deserves our attention.
What struck me wasn’t simply the subject matter. It was the fact that this issue has become significant enough to attract attention in the mainstream news. Something that has quietly devastated families for generations is now being openly discussed in the broader culture. Researchers, counselors, parents, and adult children are examining why families are becoming estranged, whether some forms of counseling contribute to that division, and what can be done about it.
According to a 2025 YouGov survey cited in the article, approximately 38% of American adults reported being estranged from at least one close family member. That’s a staggering number. The article also discusses surveys in which some estranged parents believed therapy had influenced their adult children’s decisions to end contact. Those particular surveys were not nationally representative or peer-reviewed, so they don’t establish that therapy caused the estrangements. Nevertheless, they raise questions worth examining.
For me, this isn’t some abstract social issue. I’ve witnessed the devastating effects of family estrangement within my own extended family for multiple decades. I’ve watched relationships deteriorate, family members become divided, and generations affected by decisions that could have been handled very differently.
I’ve written about bitterness and unforgiveness, the importance of wise counsel, and the difficult process of reconciliation before on Faith for Real Life. These aren’t new subjects for me. But seeing this discussion appear in the national news reminded me just how widespread the problem has become.
More importantly, it raises a question I believe every Christian should seriously consider: Are we allowing the world’s understanding of personal healing to replace God’s instructions for dealing with broken relationships?
When the World Begins Recognizing the Problem
Family estrangement isn’t new. Families have experienced conflict, resentment, and separation throughout human history. We need only read the stories of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, or Joseph and his brothers to see that dysfunctional family relationships have existed since the earliest pages of Scripture.
What’s changing is how society discusses and sometimes encourages the severing of family relationships. Phrases like protect your peace, cut toxic people out of your life, and you don’t owe anyone a relationship have become common expressions in conversations about emotional health.
Sometimes there is legitimate wisdom behind those statements. People facing abuse, threats, or serious mistreatment may need distance and protection. Healthy boundaries are important, and no one should be expected to endure ongoing harm simply because the person responsible happens to be a relative. But somewhere along the way, have we begun confusing discomfort with danger, disagreement with abuse, and accountability with toxicity? Have we become so focused on protecting ourselves from being hurt that we’ve forgotten how to work through conflict?
The Fox News article raises concerns about counseling that may contribute to estrangement. That doesn’t mean therapy is inherently harmful or that counselors are generally encouraging families to separate. Many therapists do extraordinary work helping individuals and families recover from genuine trauma and rebuild damaged relationships. Nevertheless, the broader discussion is worth having. When counseling focuses exclusively on one person’s feelings without encouraging honest self-examination, humility, or appropriate accountability, it risks reinforcing a one-sided understanding of a complicated relationship.
The fact that people are publicly questioning these approaches should encourage us to examine what genuine healing actually looks like.
A Generation Learning to Walk Away Instead of Work Things Out?
Interestingly, Fox News isn’t the only publication discussing this problem. I also came across an article from VICE titled Why So Many Gen Z Cut Family and Friends Off Without Warning, which examines a survey of 2,000 Americans conducted by Talker Research for the mental health company Talkspace. What caught my attention was not simply how many people reported ending relationships, but how frequently people expressed a preference for distancing themselves rather than confronting relational difficulties.
According to the survey, 60% of Gen Z respondents reported cutting off a friend or family member within the previous year, compared with 50% of millennials, 38% of Generation X, and 20% of baby boomers. Among respondents who had cut someone off, 59% said they still hadn’t resumed contact. The most commonly reported reasons included feeling disrespected (36%), negative effects on mental health (29%), and excessive negativity from the other person (27%). These findings describe the people surveyed and don’t necessarily establish how frequently these behaviors occur across the entire American population.
But here’s the statistic that really caught my attention: 73% of respondents said they were inclined to distance themselves from a friend or loved one during difficult moments rather than communicate openly to resolve the problem.
Think about that for a moment. Nearly three out of four people surveyed expressed a preference for distancing themselves when relationships become difficult. Of course, not every difficult relationship is safe or appropriate to continue, and the survey doesn’t tell us whether those decisions were justified. Nevertheless, it raises a troubling question about how willing we are to work through ordinary relational conflict.
The survey also reported that 47% of respondents experienced loneliness on a typical day, while 34% felt less socially connected than they had five years earlier. Those findings don’t prove that estrangement causes loneliness, but the combination is worth considering. We’re living in a culture where many people desire meaningful relationships while also struggling with the uncomfortable work required to maintain them.
I find it especially interesting that this concern is being discussed by publications like Fox News and VICE, outlets with very different audiences and editorial perspectives. Regardless of where we fall politically or culturally, broken relationships and social isolation are becoming subjects that deserve serious attention.
As I’ve said before, I believe some of the most destructive problems within families aren’t necessarily the dramatic ones. Sometimes it’s the unresolved argument, the apology that never comes, the conversation nobody wants to have, or the resentment that quietly grows for years. Rather than confronting the problem, people avoid one another until the distance becomes permanent.
But is that how God calls us to handle conflict?
Proverbs 27:17 reminds us: “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”
Iron sharpening iron involves friction. Healthy relationships sometimes require uncomfortable conversations, correction, accountability, and the willingness to hear things we don’t particularly like. Not every disagreement is a reason to end a relationship. Sometimes those difficult moments become opportunities for growth.
Likewise, Ephesians 4:15 calls believers to speak “the truth in love.” Notice that Scripture doesn’t instruct us to avoid truth because it might create discomfort. Nor does it give us permission to use truth as a weapon. We’re called to approach one another with both honesty and love.
I’ve seen what happens when that balance disappears within a family. I’ve watched unresolved problems become entrenched divisions, and I’ve seen how those divisions can affect relationships across generations. It’s one thing to establish boundaries against genuine harm. It’s another to become so unwilling to confront uncomfortable situations that walking away becomes our preferred response.
Perhaps one of the greatest dangers facing our relationships isn’t simply that we disagree with one another. It’s that we’re losing the willingness to work through those disagreements at all.
For Christians, that should be particularly concerning. We serve a God who calls us to humility, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. We shouldn’t be surprised when relationships require effort, sacrifice, and uncomfortable conversations. Those things have always been part of loving imperfect people.
The question is whether we’re willing to do that work or whether we’ve become so accustomed to avoiding conflict that we’ve mistaken distance for peace.
The Difference Between Worldly Advice and Godly Wisdom
Not all advice is good advice, even when it comes from someone we respect, trust, or consider an expert. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through personal adversity is that counsel should never be evaluated solely by how comforting it sounds. Sometimes the advice we most need is precisely what we least want to hear.
James 3:17–18 provides a remarkable description of wisdom that comes from God:
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”
Look carefully at those characteristics: peace-loving, considerate, full of mercy, impartial, and sincere. Does the counsel we’re receiving encourage those qualities? Does it help us recognize our own failures? Does it challenge bitterness, pride, and resentment? Does it encourage us to pursue peace where peace is possible? Or does it simply validate our grievances and reinforce our reasons for remaining separated?
In my previous article, Wise Counsel or Constant Validation?, I explored the danger of surrounding ourselves with people who tell us what we want to hear rather than what we need to hear. That lesson applies just as much to professional counseling as it does to pastors, friends, and family members.
A good counselor doesn’t have to agree with everything we say. In fact, one of the greatest gifts a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend can offer is the courage to lovingly challenge us when we’re wrong. That doesn’t mean minimizing genuine abuse or pressuring victims into unsafe relationships. It means recognizing that personal growth requires more than having our feelings affirmed.
Wisdom that comes from God should move us toward truth, humility, righteousness, and peace—not simply make us more comfortable with our anger.
When Estrangement Becomes a Family Pattern
This is where the subject becomes especially personal for me. For multiple decades, I’ve watched patterns of estrangement affect my family. Relationships have been damaged, family members have been separated, and people who once shared holidays, celebrations, and ordinary moments together have found themselves living like strangers.
What’s particularly heartbreaking is watching these patterns repeat themselves. One generation experiences division, and rather than learning from the pain it causes, another generation sometimes repeats the same behavior. The circumstances may change, but the underlying attitudes of resentment, unforgiveness, pride, and control can remain remarkably similar.
The consequences extend far beyond the people directly involved. Grandparents lose meaningful relationships with grandchildren. Children miss opportunities to know their extended families. Siblings become divided. Family gatherings disappear. Years pass, milestones are missed, and memories that could have been made together are lost forever. I’ve witnessed enough of this to know that estrangement rarely affects only two people.
In my article Enveloped in Python: The Danger of Bitterness, I described how bitterness can slowly tighten its grip on our hearts until it begins controlling the way we think, behave, and treat others. I believe that same destructive process can affect entire families when resentment is allowed to grow unchecked.
Scripture gives us an important instruction in Philippians 2:3–4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Imagine how different family relationships might look if we genuinely applied those words. Instead of asking only how we’ve been wronged, we might consider how our decisions affect others. Instead of demanding that everyone acknowledge our pain, we might become willing to acknowledge theirs. Instead of insisting that reconciliation happen entirely on our terms, we might approach one another with humility.
Of course, humility doesn’t mean accepting manipulation or surrendering healthy boundaries. It means recognizing that our own desires and perspectives aren’t the only ones that matter. Family relationships require consideration for more than ourselves.
Satan’s Attack on the Family
I believe there’s something much deeper happening in our families than disagreements, hurt feelings, or differences of opinion. I believe we’re witnessing spiritual warfare, and I believe Satan understands exactly what he’s doing.
Think about it. The family is one of the foundational institutions God established. Families shape our values, teach us right from wrong, pass faith from one generation to another, and provide the relationships through which we learn love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and responsibility. When families are strong, churches and communities benefit. When families begin to crumble, the consequences extend far beyond the walls of our homes.
I believe Satan understands that if he can destroy the family, he can gradually undermine the moral fabric of an entire nation.
1 Peter 5:8 warns us: “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
We often recognize Satan’s destructive influence through obvious sins such as addiction, adultery, pornography, abuse, dishonesty, and betrayal. These things have devastated countless marriages and families. But I believe some of his most effective attacks are far more subtle.
What happens when a family isn’t destroyed by an affair, an addiction, or some dramatic scandal? What happens when Satan works through something as ordinary as lies, betrayal, bitterness, resentment, pride, gossip, unwise counsel, or an unwillingness to confront wrongdoing? What happens when we begin adopting worldly ideas about relationships that sound healthy and compassionate but ultimately encourage us to avoid accountability, justify bitterness, and abandon people rather than work through our differences?
I believe that’s where spiritual deception can become particularly dangerous.
Colossians 2:8 warns: “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.”
Now, I’m not suggesting that psychology itself is evil or that seeking professional counseling is somehow unbiblical. There are excellent Christian and secular counselors who help people work through trauma, confront destructive behavior, and restore relationships. God can certainly use those individuals and their knowledge to help people heal.
But I am concerned about the way certain psychological concepts have entered everyday conversations and become accepted almost without question. Terms like toxic relationships, protecting my peace, and cutting people off can sometimes become convenient justifications for avoiding the difficult responsibilities Scripture places upon us.
The same is true of the word narcissistic. It’s become a buzzword that many people use whenever someone seems arrogant, self-centered, difficult, or simply disagrees with them. But there’s a significant difference between someone displaying selfish or narcissistic tendencies and someone actually having narcissistic personality disorder, a recognized psychological condition involving a persistent pattern of traits and behaviors. Not every arrogant person is a narcissist, and not every difficult relationship involves narcissistic abuse. Yet we’ve become remarkably comfortable assigning psychological labels to people without fully understanding what those labels mean.
When we casually diagnose family members, spouses, or friends based on disagreements or perceived character flaws, we risk replacing thoughtful discernment with accusations. A psychological label should never become a substitute for examining the facts, acknowledging our own shortcomings, or treating another person with fairness and grace.
Instead of confronting our sin, we rename it. Instead of acknowledging our bitterness, we call it a boundary. Instead of dealing with our pride, we convince ourselves that everyone else is the problem. Rather than seeking reconciliation, we simply remove people from our lives and call it healing. That’s not necessarily emotional maturity. Sometimes it’s spiritual avoidance dressed up in the language of self-care.
I’ve witnessed these patterns firsthand within my own family, and I believe the spiritual consequences have been devastating. I’ve watched relationships deteriorate over decades, not necessarily because of some catastrophic offense, but because unresolved grievances, outside influences, pride, and an unwillingness to confront difficult truths have been allowed to grow.
Problems get swept under the rug. Difficult conversations never happen. People become comfortable with their own version of events, and eventually the separation itself becomes normal. Years pass, relationships disappear, and children grow up without the family connections they should have had the opportunity to experience.
What’s especially troubling is that this can happen within Christian families. We can attend church, study Scripture, participate in ministry, and profess our love for Jesus Christ while allowing bitterness and division to take root in our own homes.
Ephesians 4:26–27 gives us a sobering warning: “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
That last phrase should get our attention: nor give place to the devil. Paul connects unresolved anger with giving the enemy an opportunity. When we allow bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness to remain unaddressed, we create openings for further division.
2 Corinthians 2:10–11 offers another important warning about forgiveness, explaining that we should not allow Satan to take advantage of us, “for we are not ignorant of his devices.”
I believe one of those devices is convincing people that they’re justified in holding onto resentment indefinitely, particularly when they’ve found others willing to affirm their position.
We should also remember that spiritual warfare doesn’t excuse personal responsibility. Satan may tempt, deceive, and exploit our weaknesses, but we remain accountable for our own choices. Nor should we assume that every counselor, family member, or person who disagrees with us is acting on Satan’s behalf. Our struggle is against spiritual evil, not an invitation to demonize the people around us.
Ephesians 6:12 reminds us: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
That’s why I believe the destruction of families is more than a social problem. It’s a spiritual problem with consequences that can extend through generations and into our churches, communities, and nation. When families stop practicing forgiveness, when truth becomes secondary to personal feelings, when repentance is replaced by self-justification, and when relationships become disposable, we shouldn’t be surprised when the moral foundations of society begin to weaken.
I don’t believe the answer is to abandon counseling or reject everything psychology has taught us. I believe the answer is to examine every philosophy, every piece of advice, and every understanding of relationships through the truth of God’s Word.
Because Satan doesn’t have to destroy a family in one dramatic moment. Sometimes all he has to do is convince its members that reconciliation isn’t worth the effort, that repentance is unnecessary, and that living apart in bitterness is somehow better than confronting the truth.
That’s a deception I believe we need to recognize, confront, and resist.
Repentance: The Missing Ingredient
I’ve spent considerable time praying for the people involved in the divisions within my family. My prayer isn’t simply that circumstances would change or that relationships would somehow return to the way they once were. I’ve been praying that God would work in people’s hearts, including my own, revealing whatever pride, bitterness, resentment, or wrongdoing needs to be confronted.
More specifically, I’ve prayed that those involved would come to the end of themselves, recognize the damage that has been done, genuinely repent, and begin repairing the relationships that have been broken. So far, I haven’t seen the kind of meaningful repentance and restoration I’ve been hoping for. That’s difficult to accept, especially when you can see the consequences continuing to unfold.
But repentance is something we cannot manufacture in another person. We can pray for it, encourage it, demonstrate it in our own lives, and remain willing to respond when it happens. Ultimately, each individual must choose whether to humble themselves before God.
2 Corinthians 7:10 explains: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”
There’s an important difference between regretting the consequences of our decisions and genuinely repenting of the decisions themselves. Repentance isn’t merely saying we’re sorry because someone is upset with us. It involves recognizing wrongdoing, taking responsibility, turning away from sinful behavior, and seeking to make things right where possible.
I recently explored this subject in Behemoth, Leviathan, and the Repentance We Avoid, drawing from Chuck Swindoll’s teaching on Job. One of the most powerful lessons was that genuine repentance doesn’t come with conditions, demands, or guarantees about what happens afterward.
In family relationships, repentance may mean admitting we’ve been unfair. It may mean acknowledging that we’ve allowed others to influence our thinking. It may mean apologizing for things we’ve said, correcting false impressions we’ve created, or recognizing the pain our decisions have caused.
Sometimes repentance requires surrendering the very narrative we’ve spent years defending. That’s not easy. Pride tells us to justify ourselves. Humility allows us to admit that we may have been wrong. Without humility, meaningful reconciliation becomes extraordinarily difficult.
The Responsibility of Those Who Give Counsel
Another aspect of this discussion deserves attention: the responsibility carried by those who advise people experiencing family conflict. Whether we’re professional counselors, pastors, mentors, friends, or relatives, our words can have enormous consequences.
When someone comes to us feeling hurt, angry, or betrayed, we have a responsibility to listen compassionately. But compassion shouldn’t prevent us from exercising discernment. It’s possible to acknowledge someone’s pain without automatically agreeing with every accusation or conclusion they make. It’s possible to support healthy boundaries while also encouraging forgiveness and accountability. It’s possible to recognize that a relationship has serious problems without immediately concluding that the relationship should end.
2 Timothy 2:24–25 describes how the Lord’s servant should approach others: “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.”
Paul’s instruction emphasizes kindness, patience, gentle correction, and the hope of repentance. That’s a far different approach from simply encouraging people to eliminate difficult relationships from their lives.
Michael wrote about this in Not Every Voice Deserves a Seat at the Table, where he discussed how some people bring wisdom into our lives while others simply add fuel to our anger and resentment.
We should be especially careful when offering advice that could permanently affect a marriage, separate children from parents, or divide an extended family. Our words can either help open doors toward restoration or contribute to walls that may remain standing for decades.
Forgiveness, Boundaries, and Reconciliation
I want to make something clear: I don’t believe every estranged relationship should be immediately restored. There are circumstances where distance is necessary for physical safety, emotional well-being, or protection from serious mistreatment. Forgiveness does not require someone to ignore ongoing danger, and reconciliation cannot be forced upon an unwilling person.
But I also don’t believe Christians should embrace permanent estrangement as a casual solution to ordinary family disagreements. We have to distinguish between genuine danger and the discomfort that naturally accompanies imperfect relationships.
1 Peter 3:8–9 instructs believers: “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
These words challenge us to respond differently from the world around us. When we’ve been wronged, our natural instinct may be to withdraw, retaliate, or make sure the other person experiences the consequences of hurting us. But God calls us to something greater. He calls us to humility, compassion, and a willingness to extend grace, even when doing so is difficult.
I discussed this distinction in Surprised by Grace, Part 3, particularly the difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship.
Forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t identical. We can forgive someone without immediately restoring trust. We can desire reconciliation while recognizing that genuine repentance and changed behavior may be necessary before a relationship can safely resume. The important question is whether our hearts remain open to what God may accomplish.
Coming to the End of Ourselves
There’s a phrase I’ve returned to repeatedly in my prayers: coming to the end of ourselves. I believe some of the greatest spiritual breakthroughs happen when we finally stop defending our pride, justifying our behavior, and insisting that everyone else is responsible for the problems in our lives. Sometimes God must confront us with the uncomfortable truth that we’re contributing to the very circumstances we’re asking Him to change.
Psalm 25:9 tells us: “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
Notice that humility is essential to being teachable. If we’re unwilling to admit that we might be wrong, how can we expect to receive correction? If we refuse to consider another person’s pain, how can we expect them to understand ours? If we continue defending sinful attitudes or destructive decisions, how can we expect our relationships to heal?
These are questions every one of us should be willing to ask, myself included. I’ve had to confront difficult truths about my own attitudes and behavior through the adversity I’ve experienced. That process hasn’t always been pleasant, but I believe it’s necessary for spiritual growth.
My prayer is that others in my family will eventually experience that same willingness to examine themselves honestly before God. Not so that anyone can win an argument or prove themselves right, but so that relationships might finally begin to heal.
A Better Way Forward
The Fox News and VICE articles that caught my attention this week reminded me that family estrangement is far bigger than my own circumstances. Across the country, families are wrestling with broken relationships, conflicting advice, unresolved grievances, and the difficult question of whether reconciliation is possible.
It’s encouraging that people are beginning to discuss the problem more openly. But recognizing a problem isn’t the same as solving it.
As Christians, we have something more meaningful to offer than another cultural slogan about cutting people out of our lives. We have the example of Jesus Christ, who calls us to repentance, forgiveness, humility, truth, and love. We have Scripture to guide our decisions and help us distinguish godly wisdom from advice that merely appeals to our emotions. We have the responsibility to examine our own hearts before demanding change from everyone else. We have the hope that even relationships damaged by years of bitterness and division are not necessarily beyond God’s ability to restore.
I don’t know whether I’ll ever see all the relationships in my extended family restored. Decades of division cannot be undone by a single conversation, and reconciliation requires more than one person’s willingness. But I’ll continue praying.
I’ll continue praying for humility where there is pride, repentance where there is sin, forgiveness where there is bitterness, and wisdom where there has been unwise counsel.
Most importantly, I’ll continue praying that those involved will recognize that being right is not nearly as important as being right with God. Families don’t heal simply when people get what they want. They begin to heal when people become willing to surrender their pride, acknowledge the truth, take responsibility for their actions, and extend the same grace they’ve received from Jesus Christ.
And perhaps that’s where real healing begins.
