Letter To My Boys #007: Choose Your Friends Wisely

Dear Boys,

As you go back to school this season, I want to remind you about something that will become more and more important as you grow older: choose your friends wisely. One of the most important choices you will make in life has nothing to do with your career, where you live, how much money you make, or even what you accomplish. It is who you choose to walk through life with.

Your friends will influence you more than you probably realize. They will influence what you laugh at, what you talk about, how you spend your time, what you consider normal, and sometimes even what you believe. That’s why I want you to choose your friends wisely.

That doesn’t mean I want you to only associate with Christians. Quite the opposite. Jesus spent time with all kinds of people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners. He showed compassion to people others rejected. As Christians, we’re supposed to love people, be kind to people, serve people, and share Christ with people regardless of whether they believe what we believe.

So be friendly with everyone. Treat the kid who sits alone with kindness. Talk to people who are different from you. Don’t become part of a Christian clique that looks down on everyone outside of it. Some of the people you meet who don’t know Christ may become wonderful friends, and perhaps God will even use your friendship to show them something about Jesus.

But there is a difference between loving someone and allowing someone to influence you.

Paul warns us in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” That doesn’t mean every non-Christian is a bad person or that every Christian is automatically a good friend. It means the people closest to you will inevitably have an influence on the direction of your life.

That’s why I especially want you to seek out strong Christian friendships.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Find friends who sharpen you. Find guys who encourage you to follow Christ when following Christ isn’t popular. Find friends who will pray with you and for you. Find friends who will tell you when you’re doing something stupid instead of cheering you on. Find friends who will celebrate your successes without becoming jealous. Find friends who will stand beside you when life gets difficult instead of disappearing when you aren’t fun to be around anymore, and be that kind of friend yourself.

Real friendship isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes the friend who loves you the most is the one willing to tell you something you don’t want to hear. Proverbs 27:6 tells us, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” A good friend isn’t someone who agrees with everything you do. A good friend wants what is best for you, even when telling you the truth might be uncomfortable.

Pay Attention to Their Fruit

There will also be people you enjoy being around who aren’t necessarily good influences. This is where I want you to learn to look beyond whether somebody is fun, funny, popular, or simply available to hang out. Pay attention to their behavior.

If your friends regularly curse and use God’s name in vain, eventually that language can start sounding normal. If they’re constantly looking for fights, picking on younger kids, arguing with one another, or disrespecting their parents, don’t convince yourself that none of that will affect you. If they regularly break their parents’ rules and then encourage you to break yours, that’s not the kind of influence you need.

It doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t mean you’re better than them. You should still treat them with kindness and respect. But someone wanting to play with you because they’re bored doesn’t mean you have to follow them wherever they want to go or participate in whatever they want to do. Sometimes saying no is the wise thing to do.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

I want you to look for friends who respect their parents and other adults. Look for friends who respect rules and boundaries. Look for friends who don’t need to tear down younger kids to make themselves feel bigger. Look for friends who can have fun without getting into trouble. Look for friends who encourage you to do what’s right instead of testing how far they can convince you to cross the line. Remember that you have a responsibility too. Don’t become the bad influence in somebody else’s life. Your friends should be better because they know you.

Sometimes one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is distance yourself from someone you genuinely like because you recognize that the friendship is changing you in the wrong direction. You don’t have to hate them. You don’t have to insult them. You don’t have to think you’re better than them. You can still care about them and pray for them, but sometimes you have to walk away.

If being around someone consistently pulls you away from God, encourages you toward sin, fills you with anger, makes you dishonest, causes you to compromise your values, or turns you into someone you don’t want to become, that relationship deserves serious examination.

Ask yourself a simple question: Who am I becoming when I’m around this person? That’s a question worth asking throughout your entire life.

You Three Are Brothers

There’s another kind of friendship I hope you never take for granted, the friendship God has already given you in each other. Proverbs 18:24 says, “There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” The verse is describing the extraordinary loyalty that can exist in a true friendship. But I also want you to think about what a privilege it is that the three of you actually are brothers. You are flesh and blood, but my prayer is that you will also always be brothers in Christ.

You’re going to annoy each other. You’re going to argue. You’re going to disagree. You have different personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses. That’s part of being brothers. But don’t allow those differences to destroy something God has given you.

Love each other. Respect each other. Build each other up with your words instead of constantly tearing each other down. When one of you succeeds, celebrate with him. When one of you fails, help him back up. When one of you is hurting, be there. When somebody else is picking on one of your brothers, stick up for him when it’s right and safe to do so. Don’t join the crowd in tearing your brother down just because doing so earns you a laugh.

There may come a day when Mom and Dad aren’t around anymore. When that day comes, you’ll still have each other. I hope you’ll be able to look back and realize that some of the longest friendships God ever gave you were standing beside you at the dinner table, riding in the car with you, sharing a bedroom or playing games with you all along.

Protect that relationship. Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” That’s what I want for the three of you. Help each other up.

Find Friends Who Point You Toward Christ

I’ve learned that good friends are incredibly valuable, and they aren’t always easy to find. Some people will be in your life for a season. Others may walk beside you for decades. You may lose friends you thought would always be there, and you may unexpectedly find loyal friends during some of the hardest seasons of your life.

Treasure the good ones. Someday I hope each of you has a handful of Christian brothers you can call when life gets hard. Men who know your weaknesses and still love you. Men who will pray for you. Men who will hold you accountable. Men who will remind you of God’s truth when you’re struggling to believe it yourself. You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need a few good ones.

Love everybody. Be kind to everybody. Share Jesus with everybody you can. Never treat someone as less valuable because they don’t believe what you believe, but choose carefully who gets closest to you. Choose friends who sharpen your faith rather than dull it. Choose friends who challenge your character rather than compromise it. Choose friends who help you become the men God created you to be.

And don’t forget to look out for each other along the way. You aren’t only friends. You aren’t only brothers in Christ. You’re brothers. You’re family. You’re flesh and blood. Be there for each other.

Memorize this: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17

I love you boys, and I always will.

Dad