I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Two voices. One broken marriage. And a battle for the man I’m becoming.

There’s a war going on inside my head. Not the kind fought with armies or political ideologies, but something far more personal. It’s an old west shootout of sorts. Or maybe it’s a heavyweight boxing match. Either way, it’s me against myself, and neither one of us is going down without a fight. In this showdown, both men look remarkably alike. It’s Old Brian versus New Brian, and only one can win.

If you’ve read my earlier article, My Will Be a Dead Man, you’ll recognize the struggle. It’s the ongoing battle between my old sinful nature and the new man Christ is transforming me into. Unlike a classic western, this isn’t a showdown settled with a single shot or knockout blow in a boxing ring. It’s a daily battle over who gets to call the shots in my life.

Old Brian is the man who wants justice. He wants to defend himself, expose every wrong, settle every score, and finally put an end to a marriage that has brought him more pain than he ever imagined possible. He’s exhausted, angry, frustrated, and convinced that enough is enough.

New Brian is the man I’m trying to become through Jesus Christ. He’s learning to surrender control, forgive when forgiveness seems impossible, and trust God even when the circumstances appear hopeless. He’s not perfect. In fact, he often struggles to find the right words when Old Brian starts making his case. Lately, Old Brian has been making a pretty convincing argument.

The Apostle Paul understood this internal conflict. In Galatians 5:17, he wrote, “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” That’s exactly what this feels like. Two voices pulling in opposite directions, each demanding to be heard. So rather than write another article explaining my circumstances, I thought I’d let you listen in on the conversation that’s been taking place inside my head.

Round One: Enough Is Enough

OLD BRIAN: I’m done. Fifteen years of marriage, three sons, and more than a year of fighting to hold everything together. I’ve prayed, waited, sought reconciliation, and given this marriage every opportunity I know how to give it. Nothing has changed. I’m filing for divorce.

NEW BRIAN: I know you’re tired. I know you’re hurting. But are you making this decision because you believe it’s right, or because you’re desperate for the pain to stop?

OLD BRIAN: Does it matter? I’m physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. How much more am I supposed to endure? At what point does fighting for something become foolishness?

NEW BRIAN: It matters because exhaustion can affect our judgment. Remember Proverbs 3:5–6? “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Have you genuinely sought God’s wisdom, or are you asking Him to approve a decision you’ve already made?

OLD BRIAN: I’ve been praying about this for months! I’ve sought counsel. I’ve examined my own failures. I’ve done everything I know to do. You can’t expect me to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone who doesn’t want to reconcile.

NEW BRIAN: No, I can’t. And Scripture doesn’t tell you that you can control someone else’s heart. But it does tell you to examine your own. The question isn’t simply whether you’re justified in leaving. It’s whether you’re allowing God to direct your steps, even when His direction might be different from what you want.

Old Brian falls silent for a moment. He doesn’t like that question.

Neither do I.

Round Two: But What About the Truth?

OLD BRIAN: You know what really bothers me? The accusations. The things people have said and apparently believe about me. I have so much I could share. I could write an article explaining everything, laying out the inconsistencies, and telling people exactly what happened.

NEW BRIAN: And what would that accomplish?

OLD BRIAN: People might finally understand! They might finally recognize that there’s another side to this story. I’m tired of being judged by allegations I dispute.

NEW BRIAN: You have every right to defend yourself appropriately. But is your blog the right place to settle those disputes? Especially when your children are involved?

OLD BRIAN: So I’m just supposed to keep my mouth shut?

NEW BRIAN: That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that truth and wisdom belong together. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Not everything you believe needs to be said publicly, and not every argument needs to be won in front of an audience.

OLD BRIAN: But it feels like silence makes me look guilty.

NEW BRIAN: Silence isn’t an admission of guilt. Sometimes it’s simply restraint. You can pursue the truth through the proper channels without making your family the subject of a public spectacle.

OLD BRIAN: That’s easy for you to say.

NEW BRIAN: I’m you, remember?

That one stings.

Round Three: They Don’t Deserve Forgiveness

OLD BRIAN: Here’s another thing. I’m tired of forgiving people who aren’t sorry. Why should I keep extending grace when I don’t see repentance or any effort to repair what’s broken?

NEW BRIAN: Because forgiveness was never supposed to depend entirely on someone else’s response.

OLD BRIAN: That’s ridiculous. So people can hurt you, destroy relationships, and just walk away without consequences?

NEW BRIAN: Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences. It doesn’t mean every relationship must continue unchanged. It doesn’t mean pretending that wrongdoing never happened.

OLD BRIAN: Then what does it mean?

NEW BRIAN: It means refusing to let bitterness become your master. Ephesians 4:31–32 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

OLD BRIAN: You don’t understand how hard that is.

NEW BRIAN: Of course I do. I’m fighting the same battle. But remember how much God has forgiven us? Remember the grace we’ve received despite our own failures?

OLD BRIAN: I can forgive someone and still divorce them.

NEW BRIAN: Yes. Forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t identical. But if divorce is the decision you ultimately make, it should not become an instrument of punishment. You don’t want bitterness making that decision for you.

For once, Old Brian doesn’t have an immediate comeback.

Round Four: I Have a Right to Be Happy

OLD BRIAN: Don’t I deserve some happiness? I’ve lost so much time, so many opportunities, so much peace. I want to rebuild my life. I want to laugh again, enjoy my days, and stop waking up every morning thinking about everything that’s gone wrong.

NEW BRIAN: There’s nothing wrong with wanting peace, healing, and a meaningful life. But since when did personal happiness become the ultimate measure of what is right?

OLD BRIAN: So I’m supposed to be miserable forever?

NEW BRIAN: No. But remember Matthew 6:33: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Jesus calls us to pursue God’s kingdom first, not simply whatever promises the quickest relief.

OLD BRIAN: What if moving forward really is the right thing to do?

NEW BRIAN: Then moving forward should be an act of wisdom and obedience, not an escape driven by resentment. You can seek healing without making another person responsible for your happiness.

OLD BRIAN: I just want my life back.

NEW BRIAN: I know. But perhaps God isn’t trying to give you your old life back. Perhaps He’s teaching you how to live faithfully in a life you never expected.

That’s a hard possibility to consider.

Round Five: What About My Marriage Vows?

OLD BRIAN: Let’s talk about the vows. I made promises before God, and I’ve tried to honor them. But a marriage involves two people. I can’t keep it together alone.

NEW BRIAN: You’re right about that.

OLD BRIAN: Wait. You’re agreeing with me?

NEW BRIAN: On that point, yes. Remember Romans 12:18? “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

OLD BRIAN: Oh, good grief. That verse again? Seriously? Do you have any idea how many times you’ve used Romans 12:18 in your articles? I’m pretty sure your readers have it memorized by now. Does your Bible even have any other pages?

NEW BRIAN: Well, apparently you haven’t learned it yet, or I wouldn’t have to keep bringing it up.

OLD BRIAN: Oh, that’s cute. Now you’re a comedian.

NEW BRIAN: Besides, Scripture doesn’t become less true just because we’ve heard it a hundred times. Sometimes God keeps bringing us back to the same passage because we haven’t finished learning what He’s trying to teach us.

OLD BRIAN: Fine. But could you at least find another verse for once?

NEW BRIAN: Gladly. James 1:22 says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

OLD BRIAN: I liked you better when you only had one verse.

NEW BRIAN: My point is that knowing scripture and living scripture are two different things. God calls us to pursue peace, but He doesn’t give us control over another person’s heart. You’re responsible for your own conduct, not someone else’s response.

OLD BRIAN: Then what’s the argument? Let’s file the paperwork and be done.

NEW BRIAN: Not so fast. Marriage is a covenant, not merely an agreement that ends when life becomes difficult. Jesus speaks seriously about marriage and divorce in Matthew 19:4–9. We can’t simply ignore that because we’re exhausted.

OLD BRIAN: Three Bible passages in one conversation? You’re really making up for lost time.

NEW BRIAN: Would you rather I quoted Romans again?

OLD BRIAN: Don’t you dare.

Even Old Brian manages a smile at that one.

But the humor fades when the conversation turns to the three people who matter more to me than any argument ever could.

Round Six: What About Our Boys?

OLD BRIAN: You know what hurts more than anything else? It’s not the marriage. It’s not the accusations. It’s not even the divorce. It’s the boys.

NEW BRIAN: I know.

OLD BRIAN: No, I mean really. I miss everything about them. I miss hearing their voices, laughing at their goofy antics, sitting around the dinner table, taking them on adventures, and just being their dad. I miss the little things I never imagined I’d have to live without.

NEW BRIAN: Me too. Every single day.

OLD BRIAN: I wonder what they’re doing right now. I wonder if they’re happy. I wonder if they ever think about me. Sometimes I wonder if they even miss me.

NEW BRIAN: I wonder those things too. But we can’t know what’s in their hearts right now. All we can do is keep loving them, praying for them, and remaining ready for the day we have an opportunity to reconnect.

OLD BRIAN: That’s what makes me so angry. I’ve missed so much of their lives. Time I can never get back. Sometimes I just want to tell the whole world what actually happened and why we’re not together.

NEW BRIAN: I understand that temptation. But before you write anything, I want you to think about something.

OLD BRIAN: What’s that?

NEW BRIAN: Imagine Luke, Jacob, or Alex reading your articles someday. Maybe next year. Maybe five years from now. Maybe when they’re grown men with families of their own. What do you want them to discover about their father?

OLD BRIAN: I want them to know the truth. I want them to know I never stopped loving them. I want them to understand that I didn’t just walk away.

NEW BRIAN: Then make sure that’s what they find. Don’t let your anger write something today that could make it harder for them to approach you tomorrow. They may remember your words long after you’ve forgotten the emotions that produced them.

OLD BRIAN: But what if they believe things about me that aren’t true?

NEW BRIAN: Then be patient. Listen when you have the opportunity. Speak honestly and gently. The truth will be revealed, eventually. The truth will set them free. You don’t have to settle every disagreement in a public article. Our sons deserve the opportunity to develop their own understanding without feeling that they have to choose sides.

OLD BRIAN: I just want them back in my life.

NEW BRIAN: So do I. More than anything. But we have to think about the father we want them to encounter when that opportunity comes. Not a man consumed by resentment, but a father who has continued growing, praying, and loving them through the separation.

OLD BRIAN: What if they never come back?

NEW BRIAN: I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t promise when things will change. But I know that fear shouldn’t determine how we love them today.

OLD BRIAN: I would give anything just to hug them again.

NEW BRIAN: I know. I would too.

For a moment, neither Brian says anything.

There are no clever comebacks. No theological arguments. No competing opinions about divorce.

Just a father missing his sons.

Then New Brian quietly remembers James 1:19: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

NEW BRIAN: Maybe one of the greatest gifts we can give our boys right now is a father who is learning when to speak, when to listen, and when to remain silent.

OLD BRIAN: You really do have a Bible verse for everything, don’t you?

NEW BRIAN: I’m working on it.

OLD BRIAN: Just promise me something.

NEW BRIAN: What’s that?

OLD BRIAN: Whatever happens with the marriage, whatever happens in court, whatever people believe about us, don’t ever stop being their dad.

NEW BRIAN: Never. Not for a single day.

And on that, Old Brian and New Brian finally agree.

Round Seven: I’m Tired of Being the Better Man

OLD BRIAN: You know what? I’m sick of always trying to take the high road. I’m tired of watching my words, controlling my reactions, and worrying about whether I’m being Christlike. Sometimes I just want to tell people exactly what I think.

NEW BRIAN: I understand, but following Christ was never supposed to be easy.

OLD BRIAN: I know. Take up your cross and follow Him. I’ve heard it a thousand times.

NEW BRIAN: Then remember what Paul wrote in Romans 7:19: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.”

OLD BRIAN: Sounds familiar.

NEW BRIAN: That’s because sanctification is a battle. The old nature doesn’t disappear simply because we’ve decided to follow Christ. We still struggle with pride, anger, selfishness, resentment, and the desire to take control.

OLD BRIAN: So what am I supposed to do when those feelings come rushing back?

NEW BRIAN: Remember Galatians 5:22–23. The fruit of the Spirit includes love, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Those qualities are not merely for the easy seasons of life. They’re especially important when everything inside you wants to respond differently.

OLD BRIAN: That’s a pretty tall order.

NEW BRIAN: That’s why we need the Holy Spirit. We were never expected to produce spiritual transformation through willpower alone.

OLD BRIAN: I still get angry.

NEW BRIAN: So do I. But anger doesn’t have to control what we do next.

The Final Round: Who Gets to Make the Decision?

The conversation continues, sometimes quietly and sometimes like two men shouting across a crowded room. Old Brian has arguments that deserve consideration. He’s exhausted. He recognizes that his health matters. He understands that a marriage cannot be restored by one person’s efforts alone. He knows that life cannot remain indefinitely suspended while waiting for circumstances to change.

New Brian doesn’t dismiss those realities. Instead, he asks a different set of questions.

Am I acting out of faith or fear? Wisdom or anger? Obedience or pride? Am I seeking God’s direction, or am I simply searching for biblical language to justify what I’ve already decided? That’s the real battle.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Notice that transformation involves the renewing of our minds. God doesn’t simply change our circumstances. He changes the way we think about them, and that’s what I’ve been experiencing.

A few weeks ago, I wrote my Rebel’s Creed, declaring that I would not back down or give in. I still believe in standing firm. But I’m learning that standing firm in Christ doesn’t necessarily mean holding on to every battle forever. Sometimes it means refusing to surrender our character, even when we have to make decisions we never wanted to face.

I may ultimately file for divorce. I may conclude, after prayer and counsel, that the marriage cannot be restored. That decision carries serious spiritual, emotional, and practical consequences.

But here’s what I don’t want. I don’t want Old Brian making that decision simply because he’s angry, wounded, or desperate to escape. I want the man I’m becoming in Christ to make it with humility, wisdom, self-control, and a willingness to be corrected by God’s Word.

The Old Man and the New Creation

Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:22–24 that believers are to “put off your old self” and “put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

That’s the heart of this entire conversation. Old Brian isn’t a separate person. He’s the sinful impulses, habits, and ways of thinking that I still struggle against. New Brian isn’t some spiritually superior version of myself who always knows the answers. He’s the work of Jesus Christ in a man who desperately needs grace.

The truth is, both voices are familiar to me. Some days Old Brian is louder. He wants immediate answers, decisive action, and the satisfaction of finally being done with everything. Other days New Brian reminds me to slow down, open my Bible, pray, listen to wise counsel, and consider what faithfulness looks like in the circumstances before me.

Neither a difficult marriage nor a divorce automatically determines whether I’m walking in the Spirit. My motives, my conduct, my willingness to obey Scripture, and the way I treat others matter enormously, and regardless of what happens to my marriage, I will never stop loving my three sons or pursuing a healthy relationship with them.

2 Corinthians 5:17 declares, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” That doesn’t mean the struggle is over. It means the struggle no longer has to define who I am. I’m still learning. Still growing. Still making mistakes. Still asking God to change the parts of me that don’t reflect His character.

The battle between Old Brian and New Brian isn’t ultimately about whether I remain married or file for divorce. It’s about who I am becoming in the middle of it all.

Old Brian wants to win the argument.

New Brian wants to honor Christ.

Old Brian wants to control the outcome.

New Brian wants to trust God with it.

Old Brian wants everyone to know what really happened.

New Brian wants his life to demonstrate what God is doing now.

And when the next difficult decision comes, I pray that the voice of the Holy Spirit will be louder than either one, because the goal was never simply to become a happier Brian.

The goal is to become more like Jesus.