(part 2 of 3)
In the first article, we looked at what Scripture says about marriage and divorce. We saw that marriage is not simply a legal agreement. It is a covenant. We saw that God’s original design was lifelong faithfulness between a husband and wife. We also saw that divorce entered the picture because of something Jesus identified very clearly, hardness of heart.
“Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” – Matthew 19:8
This verse has become personal for me. Because the hardest questions are usually not the ones we ask when everything is going well. They are the questions we ask when everything is falling apart.
What happens when trust is broken?
What happens when pain builds?
What happens when two people who promised forever find themselves separated?
What happens when the marriage covenant is damaged but not beyond God’s ability to heal?
That is no longer just a theological discussion for me. That is my life.
Legal Separation and the Question of Covenant
As I write this, I am currently walking through a legal separation. Those are words I never imagined would be part of my story. Under Ohio law, I recognize that legal separation and divorce are different. A divorce legally ends a marriage while a legal separation allows a couple to remain married while establishing separate lives, finances, parenting arrangements, and responsibilities.
I understand the distinction, however, spiritually, I struggle to separate the two when the outcome is a husband and wife no longer living out the covenant they made before God. For that reason, I sometimes use the words divorce and legal separation interchangeably, not because they are identical under the law, but because I believe both need to be examined through a biblical view of marriage.
A marriage covenant is not simply about remaining legally connected. It is about two people actively living out their vows.
Loving.
Serving.
Forgiving.
Repenting.
Growing.
Choosing each other.
If a husband and wife remain legally married but intentionally live permanently as though they are not husband and wife, I believe Scripture challenges us to examine whether we are preserving a covenant or simply preserving a legal title.
Does the Bible Address Separation?
The Bible does not speak directly about modern legal separation, but it does discuss husbands and wives separating.
Paul writes:
“To the married I give this charge… the wife should not separate from her husband… and the husband should not divorce his wife.” – 1 Corinthians 7:10-11
What stands out to me is what Paul says next. If separation occurs, the direction given is either to remain unmarried or be reconciled. The goal is not permanent distance. The goal is restoration.
Now, I want to be careful. There are circumstances where physical separation may be necessary.
Safety.
Healing.
Counseling.
Repentance.
Protection.
Sometimes space can create the opportunity for God to work.
Biblically, I struggle with seeing separation as the final destination, because marriage is not merely about avoiding divorce paperwork. Marriage is about fulfilling the covenant.
Divorce, Selfishness, and the Impact on the Family
Recently, I was listening to The Forgotten Jesus podcast, and they were discussing divorce from a biblical perspective. One point that stood out to me was how easily divorce can become centered around the desires of an individual rather than the covenant as a whole. At its core, marriage was never designed to be about only one person.
Marriage is sacrifice.
Marriage is service.
Marriage is dying to yourself daily for the good of another.
Paul writes:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3
That principle applies deeply to marriage. When divorce is pursued from a place of selfishness, without biblical grounds, without repentance, and without a desire for reconciliation, the consequences rarely affect only the husband and wife. They ripple outward.
Children are affected.
Families are divided.
Homes are changed.
Traditions are broken.
A family that God designed to operate as one united body becomes separated into pieces.
This is one of the reasons I believe God grieves divorce. Not because He lacks compassion for people in painful marriages, but because He sees the full picture of what sin destroys. He sees the children caught in the middle, loneliness, wounds carried into future generations. He sees the pain that comes when what was designed to be joined together is torn apart.
Jesus said:
“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Matthew 19:6
Those words remind me that marriage decisions should never be made only through the lens of personal happiness or temporary feelings. They should be made with prayer, humility, wisdom, and awareness that a marriage covenant impacts far more than just ourselves. At the same time, I have had to remember that I cannot apply this truth only toward someone else. It applies to me too.
Selfishness damages marriage long before divorce papers are ever filed. Every husband and wife must ask:
Where have I put myself first?
Where have I failed to love sacrificially?
Where have I chosen pride over humility?
Where have I chosen being right over being reconciled?
The answer to selfishness in marriage is not simply staying together, the answer is becoming more like Christ. Two people learning to lay themselves down, repent, forgive, and love the way He loves us.
Breaking a Covenant vs. Ending a Covenant
One concept that has challenged my thinking is understanding the difference between breaking a marriage covenant and legally ending one. They are not always the same thing. Sometimes the legal ending of a marriage is not the moment the covenant was damaged. Sin may have already done tremendous harm. When Jesus confronted divorce, He was speaking to people who believed that because they followed the legal process correctly, they were righteous.
But Jesus went deeper.
He addressed the heart.
He addressed selfishness.
He addressed abandonment.
He addressed people looking for permission to end what God created.
The paperwork was not the main issue. The heart was.
But we also need balance. Every sin does not automatically destroy a covenant. If that were true, every marriage would fail. A harsh word, disagreement or difficult season does not automatically end a marriage. Marriage requires grace because marriage involves two imperfect people.
Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity
One thing God has been teaching me through this season is that sometimes we can guard one area of our lives while neglecting others. When I was younger, before I was married and even early in my marriage, I believed one of the worst things I could ever do as a husband was commit adultery. I understood the devastation of infidelity. I saw how it destroyed trust, shattered families, and violated the sacred covenant God designed marriage to be.
Because of that conviction, I took that area of my life very seriously. I guarded my eyes and my actions. I put boundaries in place because I never wanted to travel down a road that could lead toward sexual temptation or betrayal, and I am thankful for that conviction.
But I realize now my understanding of betrayal was incomplete. I guarded against one way a marriage could be damaged while failing to fully recognize other ways a covenant can slowly be wounded. Because betrayal is not only found in infidelity.
Trust can be broken through dishonesty.
Connection can be damaged through pride.
Intimacy can be weakened through bitterness.
Safety can disappear through harsh words.
Unity can be destroyed through gossip, resentment, unforgiveness, selfishness, assumptions, and hardened hearts.
Scripture says:
“Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards…” – Song of Solomon 2:15
Sometimes it is not one catastrophic failure that damages a marriage, it’s the little things we ignore.
The conversations we avoid.
The apologies we never offer.
The forgiveness we withhold.
The walls we build.
The ways we protect ourselves instead of pursuing each other.
Looking back, I realize I spent so much energy guarding against the sins I thought would destroy my marriage that I did not always recognize other dangers quietly damaging it. A faithful marriage requires more than avoiding adultery. It requires surrendering our entire heart to Christ.
The Parts of My Story I Cannot Share
One difficult part about writing publicly about something this personal is that readers naturally have questions. What happened? Who did what? Why did everything fall apart?
The truth is there are details about the breakdown of my marriage that I cannot and will not share publicly at this time. Not because those details don’t matter or aren’t painful, but because honoring my marriage covenant also means honoring my wife, my children, and my family with my words. Even in hurt. Even in disagreement.
Some parts of our story belong only between us, God, and those trusted counselors who have walked alongside us. What I can say is this:
Marriage struggles are rarely as simple as outsiders assume. People often want a hero and a villain. One person completely right. One person completely wrong. But marriage involves two sinners, and two sinners need the grace of Christ.
Why I Still Believe Restoration Is Possible
I want to be careful because every story is different. Some people have walked through circumstances I have not. Some have experienced adultery, abuse, abandonment, and those situations are real and painful. But that is not my story.
In my marriage, there has been no infidelity. There has been no abuse. Have there been failures? Yes. Have there been wounds? Absolutely. Has trust been damaged? Yes. Have there been ways our covenant has been hurt? I believe there have been.
But after studying Scripture, praying, and seeking biblical counsel, I do not believe the broken places in our marriage are beyond God’s ability to restore. I believe brokenness is an invitation to run toward Christ, not away from Him.
Restoration Requires Two Repentant Hearts
One of the hardest lessons God has taught me is that I cannot change someone else’s heart. I cannot force forgiveness or reconciliation. Only God can transform a heart.
My responsibility is to pray:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart.” – Psalm 139:23
I have had to confront my own failures. My own sin. My own need for repentance. But reconciliation requires both husband and wife to do the same. One person can forgive, repent, grow, pursue Christ, but one person cannot restore a marriage alone. A covenant relationship requires two willing hearts.
So what do you do when you still believe God can restore something broken, but you cannot control the outcome? That is where my journey of standing begins.
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