Dear Luke,
Today marks one year since I’ve seen you, your brothers, or your mom. I don’t know if you’ll read this today, years from now, or maybe never. But I do know one thing with absolute certainty: nothing that has happened over this past year has changed how much I love you. You have always been my son, and you always will be.
I chose to write this letter because I never want you to wonder if your dad stopped loving you after everything that’s happened. The answer is no. Not for one second. My love for you has never changed.
Luke, this past year has given me a lot of time to think, not just about everything that’s happened, but about the kind of father I wanted to be and the kind of father I still want to become.
There are things I wish I had done differently.
Looking back, I know there were moments when I was too focused on correcting behavior instead of understanding your heart. Sometimes I pushed too hard, expected too much, or spoke more harshly than I should have. Those are things I’ve spent a great deal of time praying about, and the Lord has used them to grow me.
Scripture says,
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4
Another passage says,
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” — Colossians 3:21
Those verses have challenged me. I certainly wasn’t a perfect father. No father is. But I can honestly say that I loved you every day of your life and always wanted what I believed was best for you.
There are specific things I regret. Calling you names like “pansy,” “wimp,” or “baby” out of frustration was wrong, and I wish I could take those words back. You are none of those things. At the time, I convinced myself that those words would push you harder, motivate you, and make you stronger. Looking back, I realize they likely did the opposite. Instead of building you up, they probably discouraged you, and for that I am genuinely sorry.
Years ago, there were also times when I disciplined in anger instead of with patience. I repented of that before God long ago, and He has continued to shape my heart ever since. Those moments do not define the love I have for you, but they are part of my story as your dad, and I wanted you to know that I’ve reflected on them carefully and asked the Lord to continue changing my heart.
Luke, I also want you to know something that will never change. Nothing that has happened between us has changed how I feel about you. I still love you with all my heart. I still pray for you every day. I’m still proud to call you my son.
Romans 8 teaches that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. While my love as a father is imperfect, I pray it reflects a small glimpse of that same steadfast love.
You don’t have to earn my love. You can’t lose my love. You’ll always be my son.
I think about you every day. I wonder how the baseball season went. I wonder how many hits you’ve made because last year, you had the most hits on the team (and I would know, because I was the scorekeeper!) I wonder how your pitching has improved.
You always had an incredible eye at the plate. Your swing was smooth, your instincts were sharp, and your pitching was already more accurate than mine ever was at your age. Watching you play baseball was one of the greatest joys of being your dad. I loved showing you skills that I learned in baseball, in order for you to perfect them for yourself. I never cared most about the score, I loved watching you become the player God created you to be.
I also think about music. Listening to you play the trumpet always made me smile. You worked hard, practiced faithfully, and have become a very good trumpet player. I can’t wait to hear what you will play in the future. I couldn’t be more proud.
And then there was school. You’ve always done a good job, you’ve worked hard, and stayed focused. Watching you grow into such a capable young man has been one of my greatest joys. God has blessed you with a wonderful mind, and I can’t wait to see how He continues to use your gifts in the years ahead.
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” — Colossians 3:23
Whether you someday choose college, a trade, the military, or another path, never stop learning. Never lose your curiosity. Continue growing into the man God created you to become.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” — Proverbs 9:10
But Luke…As proud as I am of your baseball ability, your music, and your grades, those aren’t the things I’m proudest of.
Even when we didn’t understand each other, I never stopped seeing a thoughtful, observant, intelligent young man with a tender heart. Those qualities are far more valuable than any report card, batting average, or trophy.
Never let this world convince you that your value comes from what you accomplish. Your greatest value comes from whose you are. You were created in the image of God, and I pray that you continue to follow Him all the days of your life. If your faith remains rooted in Christ, you’ll have a foundation that no disappointment, success, or failure can ever take away.
I have a confession to make. I bought two fishing kayaks. Not because I needed another hobby, but because every time I imagined the future, I imagined us fishing together. I pictured us quietly paddling across a peaceful lake at sunrise. Exploring winding rivers and hidden streams. Finding little fishing holes where hardly anyone else goes. Trying to catch the biggest bass we’ve ever seen. Laughing when one of us gets snagged on a log. Telling stories. Talking about life. Praying together.
Tomorrow, I’m heading out onto Lake Erie with a friend to troll for walleye. As excited as I am to go, I can’t help but wish you were sitting beside me in the boat. I know how much you love to fish, and I can’t help but imagine the conversations we’d have, the fish we’d catch, and the memories we’d be making together. Those are the moments I miss the most.
Every time I see those kayaks, I still smile because they remind me of the memories I hope we’ll make someday. I hope that one day they won’t simply be sitting in storage and waiting. I hope they’ll become the beginning of a whole new chapter in our father-and-son relationship.
Fishing became one of my favorite hobbies because it became yours. I always enjoyed fishing as long as I was catching something, but eventually I would become bored. But you enjoy it even when you’re not catching anything. I learned to love fishing because it meant spending time with you. That’s still true today.
One day, Lord willing, I hope we’ll launch those kayaks together, chase fish until the sun goes down, laugh about the ones that got away, and thank God for giving us another day together.
Luke, I also want you to understand where things currently stand. Right now, because of the court’s orders, unless something changes, I am not allowed to see you, your brothers, or your mom for four years.
That reality is incredibly painful, but I want you to know something. I am not giving up. As long as God gives me breath, I will continue pursuing every lawful avenue available to restore our family and to see you again. I’ll spend every dollar I have if that’s what it takes. Not because I want to win, because I love my family, because I love you.
God has used this past year to refine me. He has taught me patience. He has taught me perseverance. He has taught me to depend on Him more than ever before. He has reminded me that every father has room to grow and that I want to keep becoming the man, and the dad, that Christ calls me to be.
Psalm 51 has become especially meaningful to me because David reminds us that God delights in “a broken and contrite heart.” God has not wasted this season. I pray He is drawing you closer to Him too.
Life is complicated. People make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. Children make mistakes. Every one of us needs God’s grace. That’s why I want to encourage you with something I’ve learned: Guard your heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23
Never allow bitterness to take root. Never let anger become your master. Always pursue truth. Always seek wisdom. Always extend grace when you can. And above all, keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, because He will never leave you or forsake you.
Whether we talk next month…Next year…Or years from now…I’ll be waiting. Not with anger. Not with bitterness. But with open arms. I pray that one day we’ll load those kayaks up and we’ll chase big fish together. We’ll laugh. We’ll talk about life. We’ll pray together, and we’ll build an even stronger father-and-son relationship than we ever had before.
Until then, never forget this: I love you. I am proud to be your dad. I pray for you often, and I will never stop hoping for the day we’re together again.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.” — Lamentations 3:22–23
I believe His mercies extend to families too. I love you more than words can express.
Always,
Dad
